Pat Rack

I got to thinking a little bit today about the stuff we accrue over time just living life. It was kind of weirdly reaffirmed talking to nick at Norm's tonight, he was saying that his mom keeps everything and it makes his dad crazy. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about this now so I'm just putting it out there. Things are things, and they're nice but do they really matter?

let me put this down

I just got back from class, I'm a little shaky I'm not sure why. I was a little dizzy riding back not sure why. I saw a dog being walked with an expression that got me thinking. That was a non sequitur.

When I unfriended Andy, he talked a bunch of trash about my relationship with dad relating it to Barry. Truth is, he has no idea what the fuck he's talking about. Who knows what I got from my dad, I'm sure he has good qualities. I learned to be a man from my mom. Nature versus Nurture. I'm sure there's some Jeff in me somewhere but my character crystallized from splinters of experience from Michele. I don't remember a lot from my childhood but I very clearly remember being baffled by that odd hair that started appearing on my face. For whatever reason that will always be a formative memory for me, my mom teaching me to shave. Anyways I'm losing my focus, if he wants to have a relationship we'll have one. And I'm fine with that.

writer's block 75 spf

It's when I'm sitting here staring at the gaping white maw of my ineptitude that I truly feel like a piece of utter shit. I'm being hyperbolic but these days writing has been the only thing I've really felt proud of in a while. I'm sitting here right now at 2:15 AM at my crappy apartment watching Malcolm in the Middle and biting the shit out of my finger tips. I have nothing of beauty to put here and that kind of bothers me.

I'm going to call Ursula tomorrow and tell her about the sorta serious relationship I've suddenly found myself in. I don't know how any of this is going to end up but at least there's a ghost of a chance with Kara. I'd love to give you a shot Ursula but you're about two thousand miles away from me. You should know that you're justified in having about ten thousand times more confidence than you do. Here goes nothing.

a Nail Biter

The stark silhouette of a stop sign on slate.
The silhouette never signals to stop, set off.
Silhouettes skewed on slabs of concrete.
Sort out your silhouettes, they can be salacious.
Cast of artificial illumination, light bulbs above cerebellums.
A spotlight massacres your silhouette.

thanks be to ye

I have a small patch of shit on my ribs that leads me to believe I have shingles and I'm freaking the fuck out.

In other more repetitive news I can't figure out what to do about Kara. I'm really sure I'm not exactly her type physically and I use that to sabotage myself at every available opportunity. I do my best to maintain a comfortable distance between us, which is easier because she's fairly conservative when it comes to anything involving her feelings for me. Unfortunately she recently got me Fight Club, and said she missed me tonight. Which is kind of monumental, I really wasn't being cute when I said conservative. Steady as she goes.

Finally, I watched Vanilla Sky again for the first time since it was in theaters I believe. It got me thinking about how much pop culture affects our personalities and how important it really is. What does your favorite movie or book really say about you as a person? What does it REALLY say about you as a person if you've never seen a movie in your life?? I think my taste in anything is really just a means for me to relate to other people in the end.

like a virgin

This is something I've thought about every now and then, for whatever reason I've been thinking about it again. It seems like every year has fewer and fewer magical moments than before. Mostly I would think about it when I would end up working on some holiday that I remembered having a lot of fun on the previous year. The feeling has permeated the rest of my life now though. The thing is, there's really no reason I should feel like this.

I'm going out with my supervisor, a tall blonde karate chick with a fucked up eye. I'm in some kind of nebulous long distance flirty textathon with the best friend of another supervisor. The days blur together like nobody's business, which is intense because I don't sleep a lot. What am I doing when I'm awake?? I had class and work today and somehow still managed to watch the entire fifth season of 30 Rock.

I think part of it might be that I'm twenty four years old, still at SMC, and still at Peets. My life is going to change drastically when I finally transfer after this semester. I really hope that helps, but it's also making it hard to get attached to anything right now. Ya know, that old chestnut.

What happened to the magic? What do I have to do to recapture some of that nostalgia? This could've been more organized but fuck it.