I wrote this 4 years ago and came upon it while googling myself. Enjoy.
I have a simple story to relate to all my fans. So i was sitting on a park bench reading psalm 51:23 when all of a sudden a huge red apple dropped from the oak tree behind me and plopped me in the head. That seriously disrupted my hard x core christian rock so i took my headphones off and checked out the scene. I thought about it for a second and realized oak trees don't grow apples huh? So i scratched my head in a puzzlish gesture and looked upward from whence the apple fell. Low and behold there was a snake up there! REMEMBER FROM THE BIBLE??! So i tried to talk to it but all he wanted to do was inject poisonous venom into my forearm. Well i was in a pickle huh? After hours of contemplating i picked up my bible and smote the creature back from the sulfurous pit he was born from, which was the portapotty behind the park. Unfortunately someone saw me and called the police but I explained that it was all a misunderstanding but when i reached for my bible to ask if the arresting officer had met jesus, he clubbed me until i was unconscious. Next think i knew i was in a holding cell waiting for my dad to pick me up... well i need a shower after that whole ordeal so take from my story what you may, jesus is in all of our hearts even if your clubbing your fellow man while he's reaching for the bible!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
first call with jimmy and psycho boss
So today i went to meet my boss in the city for another day of god knows what. He starts to get really enamored with the idea of a talk show starring himself and yours truly. We spent about four hours setting up a projector, four laptops, and three cameras. At five it culminated in absolutely nothing getting done and i put everything back to its original position. I don't have a chair to sit on right now so i'm leaving on a quote and some pictures.
"Paul lay awake wondering: What's a gom jabbar?
In all the upset during this time of change, the old woman was the strangest thing he had seen.
Your Reverence.
And the way she called his mother Jessica like a common serving wench instead of what she was - a Bene Gesserit Lady, a duke's concubine and mother of the ducal heir."
Christmas morning, notice the semi-grin of contempt.
Christmas evening, I just like this picture, Marina has taken my usual dent in the couch.
I call this, "Frozen Fucking Bike"
Two anecdotes on the cold out here. This picture was taken after throwing boiling magma water on the driveway, it instantly froze. The other story involves wet hair and going outside. When going to interviews and work after taking a shower, no one told me that if it's cold enough your hair will freeze.
This was new years when we went down to lake michigan to watch the fireworks aka the coldest night of my entire life.
This is how I look when I cook.
Semi-famous ice cream place, "Margie's Candies" Next pics show menu (which is all ice cream) and the famed treat, I think we got a rasberry chocolate sundae.
Honestly one of the best pizzas I have ever eaten, from a place called Puree I think it was down the street from us.
Sexy breakfast I made one morning.
Moments before the mild mannered Scott Howard disappeared.
Marinas cousin, Carlos. Picture taken at a hilarious battle of the bands out in the boonies. Hilarious videos will be posted at some point. That was it for today, piece and much to love to everyone.
"Paul lay awake wondering: What's a gom jabbar?
In all the upset during this time of change, the old woman was the strangest thing he had seen.
Your Reverence.
And the way she called his mother Jessica like a common serving wench instead of what she was - a Bene Gesserit Lady, a duke's concubine and mother of the ducal heir."
Christmas morning, notice the semi-grin of contempt.
Christmas evening, I just like this picture, Marina has taken my usual dent in the couch.
I call this, "Frozen Fucking Bike"
Two anecdotes on the cold out here. This picture was taken after throwing boiling magma water on the driveway, it instantly froze. The other story involves wet hair and going outside. When going to interviews and work after taking a shower, no one told me that if it's cold enough your hair will freeze.
This was new years when we went down to lake michigan to watch the fireworks aka the coldest night of my entire life.
This is how I look when I cook.
Semi-famous ice cream place, "Margie's Candies" Next pics show menu (which is all ice cream) and the famed treat, I think we got a rasberry chocolate sundae.
Honestly one of the best pizzas I have ever eaten, from a place called Puree I think it was down the street from us.
Sexy breakfast I made one morning.
Moments before the mild mannered Scott Howard disappeared.
Marinas cousin, Carlos. Picture taken at a hilarious battle of the bands out in the boonies. Hilarious videos will be posted at some point. That was it for today, piece and much to love to everyone.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
it turns out
The Gila Monster was my method of transportation to the madhouse. This was a relief since the train was starting to become burdensome, i was sick of quiet passages to and from work with which to read my novels. I hopped on the patent leather saddle (which came out of my first weeks pay) and spurred the large venomous lizard into a frenzied run. I tried to inform it, with slight kicks to the solar plexus, that it was in fact going the opposite direction of work. Unfortunately it misconstrued the kicks as my way of accelerating it's already blistering pace. Stuff be gettin' lost in translation like bill murray. After a dizzying ninety degree turn on to harlem it performed a twenty foot vertical jump on to the train. Turns out we would be taking the train after all.
On a lighter note...
The t-pain boat one is pretty damn funny too, this is the only funny stuff left in SNL
On a lighter note...
The t-pain boat one is pretty damn funny too, this is the only funny stuff left in SNL
Saturday, February 07, 2009
just a quick one
Before I go play wow.
I replied to a craigslist ad for a data entry position on thursday. I went in and interviewed i guess but i was pretty much just shooting the bull with this guy. Then he emails me to come to the office for further interviews. I go where he tells me and it ends up being a house. This is where i started to become weary of what was going on, since marina kept bringing up the realistic thought that it might be a scam of some kind.
I rang the doorbell and a stranger greeted me while the assistant chick scrambled down the stairs to meet me. She brought me up and told me to take my shoes and jackets, not a typo i wear two jackets, off and put them in the closet. We then went through a curtain where i was informed that gary was making his famous lasagna, on the periphery i saw an asian dude on a ladder fixing the lighting with a white guy assisting him. I was then told to just help them, so i did what i could to assist with the taping of the extension cords to the wall. That's when the asian guy, who's name is Waylay by the way, slipped off the ladder and was hanging from the rafters. Right about there Gary told me he would be paying me eight dollars an hour for whatever the fuck i was doing.
We ate and talked for an hour or so then started moving his comic collection to his friend's storage a couple blocks away. Tangent number one: white dude's name is Tyler. In exchange for taking Gary's comic books the friend had us take some of his junk back to Gary. There wasn't enough room for me in the xB to go back so i had to take a cab back. That was the first time i've ever paid for a taxi to go somewhere in my life. When i got back Gary left and it was just Tyler and Waylay left. Tangent number two: Gary said later in the day we would go to the roof for some beers since it was a pretty nice day (tangent two point five: he lives a couple blocks from Wrigley field). To end the day we had a couple beers and left (before Gary came home). This is officially the weirdest, most unofficial job i've ever had, and that's saying something.
More quirky details at a later time. PS: hope this is better than the text walls i've been shitting out.
I replied to a craigslist ad for a data entry position on thursday. I went in and interviewed i guess but i was pretty much just shooting the bull with this guy. Then he emails me to come to the office for further interviews. I go where he tells me and it ends up being a house. This is where i started to become weary of what was going on, since marina kept bringing up the realistic thought that it might be a scam of some kind.
I rang the doorbell and a stranger greeted me while the assistant chick scrambled down the stairs to meet me. She brought me up and told me to take my shoes and jackets, not a typo i wear two jackets, off and put them in the closet. We then went through a curtain where i was informed that gary was making his famous lasagna, on the periphery i saw an asian dude on a ladder fixing the lighting with a white guy assisting him. I was then told to just help them, so i did what i could to assist with the taping of the extension cords to the wall. That's when the asian guy, who's name is Waylay by the way, slipped off the ladder and was hanging from the rafters. Right about there Gary told me he would be paying me eight dollars an hour for whatever the fuck i was doing.
We ate and talked for an hour or so then started moving his comic collection to his friend's storage a couple blocks away. Tangent number one: white dude's name is Tyler. In exchange for taking Gary's comic books the friend had us take some of his junk back to Gary. There wasn't enough room for me in the xB to go back so i had to take a cab back. That was the first time i've ever paid for a taxi to go somewhere in my life. When i got back Gary left and it was just Tyler and Waylay left. Tangent number two: Gary said later in the day we would go to the roof for some beers since it was a pretty nice day (tangent two point five: he lives a couple blocks from Wrigley field). To end the day we had a couple beers and left (before Gary came home). This is officially the weirdest, most unofficial job i've ever had, and that's saying something.
More quirky details at a later time. PS: hope this is better than the text walls i've been shitting out.
Sunday, February 01, 2009
she said he so sweet
i wanna lick the... rocker?
I heard this on the radio last night and almost jumped out the whip. I especially like at about 4:25 where they start banging wrenches around a la linkin park. Yesterday we went to see Medieval Times... that was reason enough for a post. The tickets are usually about sixty bucks but with goldstar we got em for about forty each. Since Marina paid for me I wasn't too upset but I knew this was the beginning of a gyp (sorry to all the gypsies out there) The show was about an hour I think, i'm not entirely sure with all the weirdness going on. I watched different horses do the same weird walking tricks for a good ten minutes until the "knights" came out and jousted a target for a bit. Finally the good old fashioned human jousting started, I don't really understand why they don't just actually joust tho? You see the guys break their lances on each other then one dude just drops his shit and jumps off the horse. The last step involves fighting to the death with their chosen medieval weapon like a choreographed dance. And then there was some 90210 shit about how the green guy was a dick. What pissed me off most was the food, more specifically the potato. They give you like half a cooked potato, little to no seasoning, with no utensils. Actually that's another thing, they don't give you utensils because they want it to be authentic? The first thing the server said to me when I sat down? Do i want a pepsi?? No I want my motherfuckin mead peasant. All in all it's just another brick in the wall. Piece
I heard this on the radio last night and almost jumped out the whip. I especially like at about 4:25 where they start banging wrenches around a la linkin park. Yesterday we went to see Medieval Times... that was reason enough for a post. The tickets are usually about sixty bucks but with goldstar we got em for about forty each. Since Marina paid for me I wasn't too upset but I knew this was the beginning of a gyp (sorry to all the gypsies out there) The show was about an hour I think, i'm not entirely sure with all the weirdness going on. I watched different horses do the same weird walking tricks for a good ten minutes until the "knights" came out and jousted a target for a bit. Finally the good old fashioned human jousting started, I don't really understand why they don't just actually joust tho? You see the guys break their lances on each other then one dude just drops his shit and jumps off the horse. The last step involves fighting to the death with their chosen medieval weapon like a choreographed dance. And then there was some 90210 shit about how the green guy was a dick. What pissed me off most was the food, more specifically the potato. They give you like half a cooked potato, little to no seasoning, with no utensils. Actually that's another thing, they don't give you utensils because they want it to be authentic? The first thing the server said to me when I sat down? Do i want a pepsi?? No I want my motherfuckin mead peasant. All in all it's just another brick in the wall. Piece
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